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[Nov. 10th, 2009|01:47 am] |
Sometimes I make bad choices:
I stayed with Alex even when the relationship was neglectful and miserable.
I went over to Mark's even when i knew he thought it was a date.
I got taken advantage of.
I felt guilty about being taken advantage of.
I lost my nerve and lied to Alex telling him that nothing happened. I felt miserable and guilty for two days before confessing... he dumped me for lying.
I felt guilty for lying to him.
I sent mixed messages to Mark about my interest in him (which is nonexistent).
I went over to Victor's tonight and watched Love Actually.
These are the choices I've made in the past two or three weeks. Honestly, the only one i really regret is feeling guilty.
Honestly, feeling bad about being taken advantage of is the only thing that makes me hate myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2009|11:18 pm] |
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also, my mom has swine flu. I laugh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2009|10:46 pm] |
This has month has been eventful to say the least. Not necessarily good eventful.
( Find out more! )
That's the story of me right now. If you ever need a tragic but humorous anecdote feel free to hit me up, i have them in spades. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2009|11:04 pm] |
So after feeling ridiculously ill for almost two weeks now, i finally bit the bullet and went to the health center. Apparently this was a REALLY good call on my part. Apparently i have a really bad sinus infection--not swine flu hurray-- but the thing you may not know about sinus infections is that if left untreated they can spread to your brain. Apparently i am two steps away from having meningitis. less hurray.
hopefully now that i have antibiotics i can stop having intense chills, headaches, nausia, sneezing and all my other symptoms. Eewf. I am sick of being sick, but glad i dont have swine flu. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|11:55 pm] |
i haven't cried myself to sleep in a long time.
it has come to my attention that my life has become depressing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2009|11:08 pm] |
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I'm not into this long distance relationship thing. Which sucks, because i'm really into this me and alex thing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 24th, 2009|12:21 am] |
the closer the time gets for me to leave the less i want to. Technically because i am really liking what i have with alex and don't really want to leave it, but part of me thinks that that is just a subconscious excuse for my concerns about the upcoming term.
I am probably going to have to drop out of pi phi. I just have way too much going on next semester. Doing pi phi would probably mean that i couldn't do either nrhh or chambers and i've thought long and hard on the subject and think that chambers is just too important to me.
Plus i'm kind of worried about my upcoming courseload. One of my syllabi was posted the other day and the professor went out of her way to accentuate how intense its going to be. I just dont think i could pull off pi phi and this courseload and nrhh and chambers and my required internship. there just aren't enough hours in the day. Dropping pi phi would make my life so much easier.
It makes me sad though. I really like pi phi. I just dont think i can swing it and i'd rather leave now when i am still enjoying it than at the end of the semester when im cursing life for having stayed in.
there are other things that are worrying me, but mostly just pi phi. And alex. Alas. Soon i will be in the city though and Red Mango will ease my aching heart. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2009|01:03 am] |
The shows over. I feel oddly conflicted about this fact. (I also feel like i've felt nothing but conflicted for the past few weeks and its getting old.)
I'm not sick of the show, however, I am sick of my character. First, there wasn't a lot to do. Second, it was all so high that i didn't feel comfortable singing it. Thirdly, it wasn't funny. Maybe its just me complaining, but I could have been better in other roles.
I don't like being a soprano. Its not me. I am a god damn belty alto. Fucking eh. I can belt/ sing your boots off when its in my range, but make me sing a high A and i cant move because i'm so scared of making it sound good.
Being embarrassed or scared of singing is definitely not me.
Backstage i didn't really feel like me either. I don't know, its hard to explain. Especially towards the end of the show. I felt that the dynamics changed really drastically and i wasn't sure how to make them go back the way they were. Especially with Alex and Megan. I don't know, through the whole thing it was the three of us until suddenly it was the two of them and i wasn't really part of it anymore.
Everyone in the show was wonderful though. I don't necessarily mean in acting talent, that's another conversation entirely, but in personality. Honestly, there isn't even one person in the cast or crew that I disliked.
So here I am, conflicted. I'm anxious to get back to the city, but my life in New York feels so far away. Indiana is starting to feel homey, but i miss my life in Oregon. I am so sick of Rapunzel, but i am going to miss seeing the cast everyday. Ah, conflicted. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2009|12:41 am] |
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I'd really like to know what about myself says "guys, please be a douchebag to me. I like it." I would really like to know so i can change that. Contrary to popular belief, i actually really hate it when people say things to me like "don't get too attached" or "... its getting late" mid kiss. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2009|07:01 pm] |
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Today has been exponentially better than yesterday. It has encompassed silver slippers, showers, apples chopped with an apple corer, old music, Halloween shops, tingly lip gloss, brownie baking, Elfquest posters, email banter and making up with Alex. Who, because we're keeping it on the down low, has given me permission to supply my own spy music. Awesome! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2009|09:52 pm] |
Today is the two year anniversary of Phillip's suicide and living up to the standard, today has sucked.
I decided to "celebrate" by firmly putting an end to whatever was happening between me and Alex. I mean, officially we were "dating" but we were both so obsessed with keeping it quiet around rehearsal that it never felt like we were. Still, i ended up crying for an hour and a half on the phone to him. He was really nice about it which almost made it worse. It just felt "wrong," you know? Like, we were super super super close and that was fine but the moment we added romance it got really awkward and the close was lost. Which was a shame. I would rather have the close than the sex. (just throwing that out there.)
Now its me and a bottle of low quality Merlot trying to make the 7th end as quickly as possible. So far the day has managed to tick by at snails pace. Starting, i guess, with the fact that i didn't sleep last night because i had to study for a final this morning. Which, as i was leaving the teacher made some comment basically calling me a heathen.
Also, did i mention that exactly two years ago i walked into my friends apartment to find him dead in a bath tub? Because i'm reminded of this fact every time i close my eyes.
I'm also kind of tipsy.
Its been a bad day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2009|04:03 am] |
The summer has been interesting if nothing else.
Once again, i can't get a job. Which totally sucks but i've kept myself busy. I've rekindled my love for reading and have dubbed this the summer of the literary classic that i haven't read. I'm about halfway through Of Human Bondage and am loving it, even if its a little slow. I'm taking a class at Notre Dame which has been an experience. The dynamics are so different from NYU its hard to adjust. Its nothing major, but like the relationship between the professor and the students is really different. Its off putting and makes the class less fun that i think it could be, i will be very happy when i get back to NYU. Also the students never talk, during the breaks we just sit there in silence. Its very creepy actually. I occasionally try to break the silence with a question or a comment. I am usually met with a one word answer or a bumbling "i dont know," even when i ask the professor about things like "can i use my laptop to take notes." It seriously took her two minutes to answer. Its ok to say no professor, its ok. The students are all so catholic, too. Not that i have any problems with other religions than my own (the church of please and thank you) i just know nothing about Catholicism so i can't join in. The class's title is also very deceptive. Its entitled "Youth Culture in Europe Since 1945" which sounds awesome, right? Don't be fooled, its actually ridiculously dull. I feel tricked.
The major thing that has happened this summer has been the show im involved in. A community theatre a few towns over is putting on Into the Woods and i'm Rapunzel. Odd, considering the fact that i'm not a soprano at all even a little bit, but the experience has been so amazing. All the actors are so nice and accepting, its like Sheldon or ACE in that idealized way that i look back to the "good old days" only its for realz. I know it sounds cheesy, but i am so lucky to have these people in my life.
I've made a best friend here. Which is a feat considering the fact that a few weeks ago i had no friends. He and i get along great, we have the same sense of humor and generally the same interests. Not so identical that we cant add things to each others lives though. The other day he introduced me to Noises Off which may have been the funniest thing i've ever seen. Its really refreshing to have this kind of friendship again. I know this sounds cheesy and I apologize but I hardly ever post and when I do its rarely real things, so bear with me. From day one pretty much we've had this great repartee going on. Yesterday we spent over 12 hours together and i never tired of his presence, the list of people of whom i can say the same is not long. I'm so glad we're buds and i'm pretty sure everyone in the cast thinks were dating.
One of my two best friends from NYU is coming to visit me tomorrow. She's flying up from Florida and i am SO EXCITED to see her. I can hardly wait! Although the cast is great and i cherish them, it will be nice to see the NYU bff. It will be nice not to have to specify which city i mean when i say "the city" in conversation. I ALWAYS mean New York. Plus, i've missed her terribly. She's another one of those people who from day one we were solid. Although we've only known each other for one semester it feels like she's been there forever.
Isn't it always the way it works out, i have had nothing to do since i got here in May. I have figuratively chilled and twittled my thumbs while i had no obligations. Now, i have a ton of things to do and they're all at the same time! Jess comes tomorrow and leaves on Wednesday, so once she's here i have no time to work on my final paper due Wednesday. Set con is all next week and i would love to go help out but i seem to be completely unable. I can't go Monday or Tuesday because of Jess and i'm leaving for the city on Thursday. I also finally have a friend to hang out with here but no time to do it in! Alex and i were chatting about having another epic movie day but i don't think we'll be able to do it until i get back from the city in two weeks. I'm really excited though, so its not like i don't want to go. The family and i have tickets to Hair and Billy Eliot and it will be nice to have some chill downtime at the Lodge. I think Grandpa and Lex will also be there, i haven't seen them since Christmas so im happy to catch up with them.
I'm procrastinating finishing the final paper for my class, hence the massive update. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2009|12:08 pm] |
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Why spell it "mi." It takes the exact same number of letters to spell it correctly and you dont look like a retard. |
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| i love doing things |
[Feb. 16th, 2009|01:16 pm] |
A girl in applied psych said this to me the other day. I laughed.
Sarah,
You're the president of your dorm.
You're taking a full load of classes.
You're going through RALI.
You work 20 hours a week.
You're in a sorority.
You've joined an a Capella choir
you go to IRHC every week
and you still have time for a valentines day fling.
You are ridiculous. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2009|03:35 pm] |
Dear Crazy Racist Suite mate,
I hate you.
I hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you.
I would type it more because but i hate you more than i could ever conceivably type.
and that is a lot.
love sarah
ps i hate you |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 21st, 2009|11:26 pm] |
Just because i don't wear black eyeliner doesn't mean I'm not depressed
Just because i don't write poetry about how hard my life is doesn't mean that i don't need my medication
Just because i don't cut myself doesn't mean that i don't need you to take me seriously
I'm not faking it. I'm not making it up. Just because i don't adhere to your emo stereotype doesnt mean that i dont need help. A fully qualified member of the medical profession diagnosed me and now you're just pushing it to the back burner. I can handle it. I don't need your emotional support. I dont need to come cry to you and tell you my problems. God knows, i have never depended on you for anything like that. I just need you to make one phone call. You've had three weeks to do it. I just need you to do one thing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2008|10:54 pm] |
I didn't write this. I am the friend. My best friend is writing her life. It needs some serious editing, but i think this is cute.
"And it surprises me that I have known him for so long now, because up until recently instead of being crucial he was there and entertaining, because I hadn’t really considered him until I went away to New York University and he started seeing my best friend and he moved to Williamsburg to attend the School of Visual Arts and we spent our weekends smoking weed off of the rooftop of his apartment building and staring at the Citibank building. Once I heard some local rebel declare that they wanted to blow up the Citibank building because it didn’t belong there, and that upset me so, because I realized when I was high on rooftops in Brooklyn I would never be able to figure out which overcrowded peninsula of land mass was Queens."
Just for the record. We could tell which one was NYC because a lone firework went off to guide us. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2008|01:31 pm] |
now that i have stopped hysterically crying i think i can actually tell you the story of what happened. Bare in mind that i dont really have anything analytical to say, i'm just telling you the story.
So last night was a bad night anyways. Jesse blew me off (again), Justine and i went out but everyone at good old McMannus was old and creepy so we left. After almost getting hit by some crazy taxi driver we went to cloister and stood there for an hour. Cloister, the little restaurant that we went to almost every weekend last year and they wouldn't seat us they didnt even come over and say "hold on a sec while we wait for a table to open up." Justine was outraged, i was annoyed. We left and went back to Palladium (her dorm). We sat and talked for a long time and at around two i left to walk home.
There are about seven blocks in between Palladium and 13th Street (my dorm) and because i spend almost all my time with Justine i walk the distance two or three times a week. Always by myself and i have never had a problem.
So i was on the block inbetween University Place and 5th Ave and this guy was walking uncomfortably close to me. I didnt really think anything of it, you know, its new york. its slightly crowded. But as we were waiting for the crosswalk he leaned over and said "you a dancer? you got dancer legs" (a slight side note is the fact that in this case he didnt mean ballet dancer, he meant stripper.)
I ignored him and speed up. He followed me, yelling lewd creepy things all the while. I turned onto fifth ave. He followed me, still talking.
As i turned onto thirteenth street he GRABBED MY ARM and yelled very loudly "HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU." at this point i start freaking out. I rip my arm away and start running down 13th. he, of course, starts CHASING ME! The security guard at 13th street sometimes waits outside when he gets bored sitting at his desk.
Luckily for me, he was doing so last night. i yelled "FRANK, SAVE ME!!" at the top of my voice.
After seeing Frank, the guy stopped running. He skidded to a stop and stood twenty feet away yelling about how lucky i was that i had a punk ass guard to hide behind.
and thats the end of my story. i spent the next few hours hysterically crying and freaking out. It was not a good night. On paper, or a computer screen, it doesnt sound that traumatizing but trust me. I could have been raped. I could be dead right now. |
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